I have been through the toughest year since I became a christian. All that I believed in was into question through different trials. I have tried not to loose hope. But it has been tough. I felt like I just lost myself, my friends , my ideals, my house and my call. I am very independent person and through this experience I had to depend on God. When we moved to Portland my little girl Bella began to have chronic asthma attacks it was painful watching my baby not be able to breath. I was pissed at God for a few months. But in the mist of this my husband, family and my friend Rachel have been there for me. I felt like not leaving the house and if you know me that is bad!!!!!! So finally I had to ask God to forgive me and help me deal with life. I thought I was more spiritually fit but I have found myself more weak then ever before. It has been hard because I am a person that finds help and cries out for it. But I really did not have the strength. God has been close and again my husband Tory and my friend Rachel have been close as well. In darkness God seems to still speak and sends us special friends Rachel and Tory were them. I am coming out of that darkness and it feels good. But dark times is where your Christianity is really tested. You have a lot of time to think and ponder life in darkness. I have reflected a lot and forgiven a lot of not just others but myself as well. I have mentored a lot of women in my life time and I have realized that at times I was way to hard on them and also myself. I have worked hard for God and in that moment I lost my own Focus on God. Its weird how when your trying to do something good for The Lord or whatever cause you can loose your self in the mist. I have learned a lot and if I have ever offended any of you I am so deeply sorry. I have tried to keep growing in my walk with God and I have realized how undone I still am and how much I still need the Lord. I can be a self righteous at times I know. I grew up in a non christian family but I was always very moral and God has had to show me that my righteousness is nothing it still is dirty and needs Him. I truly have never felt like hurting anyone and in this hard and long season I have seen how hard I can be on others. I felt like I had to parade my righteousness on others. And I am done with that. I want to be Christ like and he is truly gentle and kind and full of grace for all of us. I want to be like him and know that there is standards but are not meant to be harshly presented. I love God and his people and want to always serve him in all that I do. Since I became a christian I have not stopped talking and this year has been a lot of me listening. I have discovered a new level of Gods Grace then ever before. As I have cried and was angry this year about not being where I thought I should be in life, He was there holding me through my friends and my husband being still and listening to my rants and whispering is a gracious voice its will be okay I love you, because you are are mine and I am committed to making you whole. Daughter I am here and I will never leave you or forsake you. You are not forgotten and this dark time is a time of refreshing and healing for you. Forgive and move forward. I am crying as I write because God is real and sooo good and tender and that is what draws me to him not his rules and regulations which are good but its his kindness that has been a shield to my heart in this season. I love you lord please continue your work in your servant.
5 comments:
That is awesome, Roxanna. Not awesome that you had to go through all of that stuff, but awesome that God used it to change you bring you closer to him because of it.
Powerful. I have tears in my eyes just reading it because I can relate on so many levels. You have always been such an inspiration to me as a spiritual leader, a friend, and as a person. I am grateful to know you. It's good to know there is hope!
Roxanna!!!
I had no idea you even had a blog!
This is so great to read, I can kind of hear you saying all of it. Thank you for sharing your honesty- it's always had a big impact in my life, and I'm really grateful for this chance to experience it again. I added your blog to my list, so I'll be checking in again!
lots of love,
ellyn
So true, so true. Isn't it crazy how God is so personal... to have each of us on a journey. The way he knows the perfect "trial" for each of us, to draw out the thing in us he wants to work on... it really trips me out that he is just so personal. (...and btw I feel famous to be mentioned in your blog!) :)
Roxy,
I just read about your blog on your FB page. Very cool. I post a lot on the citybusinesschurch blog if you are ever interested in reading more about what you right here. You and I go way back (heck I was there that day in CJ's Bible study when you gave your life to Christ!) Anyway, it was in early 2001 when God began to break me down. I remember going through the most difficult stretch of doubt and unbelief I have ever faced. Coming from BT and then New Song I was ready to give up on church and the people who belonged to them. Then the realization hit. After a month of long and thoughtful discussions in a small group with people from The Well (after we had just started it) God shattered my faith. Within weeks I realized I had been living a complete lie. I had become a Christian robot, following traditional formats of a dependent, conservative lifestyle that wasn't me at all. I had lived a certain way FOR Him and not BECAUSE of Him. I was pretending to represent Him when in actuality I was representing myself. I went to church because I wanted to feel and look better. I read my Bible because I wanted to act and talk better. I worked in full-time ministry because I wanted to feel better. In the end, I was doing everything I had ever been told to do, yet I was as empty as a glass of water in the dessert. Looking back I know realize why people walk away from their faith so easily. When you are serving a system and not Jesus you will never last.
Today I have never been more disconnected from the mainstream church world, yet I have never felt more in love with God. Instead of spending 24 hours a day, 7 days a week doing church things, with church people, in church events, for church causes I'm buried in the dark world of Hollywood spreading light among people who tell me all the time that they have never met a "genuine" person of faith before. I can't even tell you how many times I've been asked "are you for real?" You see to those of us who've spent half our lives in church, living a life centered around church is normal, but to the rest of the world its creepy. Throw in the constant judgement and condescending approach that outsiders must conform to the Christian way to be accepted and it's no wonder people under 30 are turning their backs on the church in groves. No, today I stand a very weak man, stripped of the pride I had in being a "good" Christian and exposed to the reality that I am a wretched human being. Walking down this road is one dangerous journey, because once you've left that path of conformism with places like City Bible, you are struck with the harsh reality that God will not rescue you from every harm. So as you journey down this newfound reality, remember you are not alone, but also remember its not easy.
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